The Loo Towers
by Rider of Reality
Summary: Continuation of Fellowship of the Bling-Bling... had enough burritos yet? (Still trying to figure this whole site out... pardon my inconveniences)


The Loo Towers

Now, all stories generally have a nice beginning, but it is not so with this one, for it is merely a continuation of Fellowship of the Bling-Bling. Here it's gets complicated, so you might be wanting to get your burrito now and settling done with some Beano, for it may be a while before you are able to access the restroom again.

In following Frodo and Sam: Being worthless little creatures, they began aimlessly wandering for the butt-crack of doom. Being lazy little creatures, during one night's rest, Gollum (the extremely handsome) came upon his precious. Knowing it was kept well under security by a fat hobbit and a not-so-fat hobbit, he sat back and thought his wrestling moves out. Finally, he leapt forward and seized the ring, only to be bound and gagged by the cruel hobbits. Through blackmail, the poor creature, Gollum, was forced to take the hobbits to Mordor. He did, however, gain trust from gullible Frodo through pity.

"It burns!" said Gollum, speaking of the Elvish rope that held him secure.

"What?" asked Frodo.

"It freezes!" said Gollum.

"How on earth can it burn and freeze at the same time?" asked Frodo.

"It freezer-burns!" cried Gollum.

"Oh," said Frodo, after a thoughtful fart. Not to be 'crude,' but Frodo did show a lot of resemblance to Bilbo. So Frodo removed the rope, and Gollum led the way. After a short schizophrenic experience, Gollum got himself straightened out for a while, and all was well.

In following Merry and Pippin: The two hobbits were riding piggy-back on two obliging uruk-hai, and the dialogue between the two races was agreeable.

Pippin finished his sentence he had been saying before we came in on them: "And so the hobbit said to the elf, 'With feet like these, who needs Nair?'" And the uruks all burst into approving laughter. At the next rest-stop they came to, Ugluk passed around the bottle of grog... the type of grog that has less water and more rum, and maybe some vodka, Jack Daniels, Sprite, and a twist of lemon.

"Hey," said Pippin to one of the uruks. "My friend there got a splinter from Bucklebury Ferry... do you suppose you could lend him some drink?"

"But of course!" replied the obliging uruk, and instantly drenched Merry.

"kaff kaff It tries to chokes us!" gagged Merry.

"Wrong character, dearie," said the obliging uruk who was providing Merry the transport.

"Whoops."

"Here," said Ugluk, looking around at his troops. "My men are tired of hauling your little hobbit-butts everywhere. We're no Bill the Pony! It's high time you started hoofin' it on your own!" And the obliging uruks agreed with their lieutenant. So, Merry and Pippin were hoisted down, and began to hoof it.

"A hobbit, a pony, and an orc walk into a bar..."

In following Aragorn, Gimli, and What's-His-Name: They ran like hares with their britches on fire.

Back to the Uruks, Merry, and Pippin: After hoofing it for quite a while, they came to a fine rest stop near the edge of Fangorn Forest. Grishnakh came up to the hobbits and grinned.

"Now, no funny stuff while we try to rustle up somethin' to eat, ya hear?"

Pippin burst into laughter. "'Funny stuff!' Wa ha ha! Oh, that's a good one! 'Funny stuff,' he says! Wa ha ha!"

Grishnakh gave Pippin a withering look. "That's not how I meant it."

"Oh."

Snaga, one of the more impatient orcs, said, "Oh, heck with it. We've dragged this furry critters all over the Riddermark, it's about time we just up and eat them. Eh?"

A few of the other orcs put in their agreeing "Eh's," but it was Ugluk who crashed the party. "Nope! These buggers go right to Saruman, at his Loo Tower." And at this most of the uruks giggled. You see, they called the two towers that Sauron and Saruman lived in the "Loo Towers" because they often bestowed what they thought of Saruman at the base of his tower, and it made quite a rank smell. No longer was Saruman's tower called Isengard, but now, a loo.

"Awww," said Snaga. "I was SO looking forward to eatin' 'em." And so the uruks entertained themselves by doing party tricks that required flipping yourself upside down and holding a match to your posterior end. Merry and Pippin were having an enjoyable time watching the uruks, too.

"It's better than fireworks!" commented Merry. But soon came the valiant Rohirrim, and crashed all the uruks' party by killing them all. At first Merry and Pippin were quite unhappy, but then they realized it would be a good idea to run away and try to re-group with the rest of the Fellowship. So away they squirmed until their bonds were cut, and they ran into Fangorn Forest.

Gollum slowly wove his way through the Dead Marshes.

"It's so quiet in here... too quiet," Frodo murmured.

"No, no crunchable birdses," sobbed Gollum.

"And it smells of sulfur here!" complained Sam.

Frodo looked sheepish. "Oh, sorry, that was me."

Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas finally came to a place where they saw severely spiked grog drying on the grass.

"Uruks were here," stated Aragorn.

"No duh," said Gimli, noting the burnt patches of grass and the odor leftover from the uruks' party tricks. Then the three saw something coming, and scooted their hineys out of the way.

As hundreds of splendid horses thundered past them, Aragorn stated the obvious once more: "Oh, it's only the Rohirrim. Hey! Rohirrim!" And hence brought all the hundreds of horses back towards him... and was promptly surrounded and threatened, not only by spear, but by disapproving looks from the horses, for they were headed to the stable for their portion of grain.

"It's not often that a man, a dwarf, and a lady come into the Riddermark," said one rider, dismounting and patting his horse.

"I'm not a lady! I'm a male elf!" whined Legolas.

"If your head were just a little bit uglier, I would chop it off," bluntly remarked the rider.

"Eh, as much as we would like that, we're on business here," said Aragorn. "We're looking for two little furry buggers being hauled around by bigger, somewhat uglier buggers. You seen 'em?"

"Why, sure!" said the rider, pulling off his helmet and revealing himself as Eomer. "We killed 'em all a ways back! Used the very matches they were using for party tricks to burn their carcasses!"

"Ooo," came the collective response from the three.

"Ironic," said Aragorn. "Well, that's a bummer. But your horses look mighty fine. Would you mind lending us some of your Mearas?"

"Hee hee," said Eomer, calling over a glossy chestnut and a grey. "These are ehem ehem FIIINE horses! They've got ehem ehem SPIRIT, and lot's of ENERGY to carry you!"

"Fine, fine," said Aragorn, stroking Hasufel and speaking in Elvish, telling him what an elegant and handsome horse he was. Hasufel tossed his gorgeous head and allowed Aragorn to get in the saddle.

"Get me up, I'm a rider!" said Gimli, and with a boost, he was on Arod. He patted Arod's neck and grinned as Arod burred his thanks.

"I don't like horses," said Legolas, to which Arod promptly swung his head around and knocked Legolas down.

"Stupid beast! Let me on!" whined Legolas, standing up and putting a foot in the stirrup. Hasufel promptly bit Legolas on the butt, and Legolas was hence forced to walk. They got to the pile of uruk-ash, and Aragorn looked around.

"Look! Hobbit-tracks! Very distinctive. They went to Fangorn Forest!"

"Dang," said Gimli. "Well, we were almost rid of them." And so into Fangorn they went.

Pippin and Merry scampered up a tree, and awoke Treebeard. They had been followed by Grishnakh for a while, and had come across the startling truth that he wanted to eat them. They thought they had lost him in the woods, but soon the orc came crashing in.

Once they saw Grishnakh (somehow he had miraculously escaped the Rohirrim and had followed the Happy Hobbit Meals,) they rapped on Treebeard's head and cried:  
"Attack! Attack!" and pointed at Grishnakh in a frenzy. Treebeard, unsure what to do, squished Grishnakh and started to squish the hobbits.

"You cruel, cruel tree!" cried the hobbits. "Some friend you are!"

"I am no inanimate object of flora! I'm an Ent, and proud of it," said Treebeard.

"Well, then, don't squish us! We like trees!" cried the hobbits.

"How am I supposed to deduce that? Your visages appear to be orcish, and your names appear to be orcish. By reasoning, then, you are orcs," said Treebeard.

"Man, you all messed up," said Merry.

"The alabaster sorcerer shall know," said Treebeard.

"Say what?" asked the hobbits.

"But he speaks nice to us!" cried Sméagol.

"He's a Baggins!" snarled Gollum.

"You don't know that!" whimpered Sméagol.

"He chugs burritos in no time flat!" argued Gollum.

"That doesn't mean anything! Lot's of people like Mexican food!" said Sméagol.

"Have you heard that guy fart?" growled Gollum.

"Ohhh, yeah, you're right. Yup, he's a Baggins," Sméagol gave in.

"We kill him!" cried Gollum triumphantly.

"Why?" inquired Sméagol.

"Because he smells," stated Gollum.

"That could be the fat hobbit's toenail fungus," reasoned Sméagol.

"No, I'm quite sure it's the Baggins, it's got to be the Baggins, it IS the Baggins!" yelled Gollum.

"Oh shut up and go away," snapped Sméagol.

"What? You very, very extremely stupid boy!" sputtered the indignant Gollum.

"We don't need you! Get outta here, scram!" screamed Sméagol.

There came no reply.

"Ha ha! Sméagol free, Sméagol free!" Sméagol rejoiced. And just at that moment, Frodo farted in his sleep.

"Dang," said Sméagol. The next morning, Sméagol brought Frodo two coneys.

"Look! See what we gets!" crowed Sméagol.

"How'd you get these?" Frodo asked, slightly curious as to why there were odd little lumps under the rabbits' skins.

"With my .22 BB gun, what else?" said Sméagol, picking one up and digging in.

"That's sick!" said Sam, snatching both rabbits. "I'll be the one to fix these."

"You sick, sick hobbit! Oh, you're disgusting!" cried Sméagol a few minutes later, once he saw the rabbit stew. He stormed off unhappily to brood over his lost breakfast. Frodo went off in search of Sméagol, and Sam exasperatedly washed his pots and pans and put the stew in a Ziploc container before scurrying off to follow Frodo. He found Frodo leaning over a precipice, watching oliphaunts and Easterlings get their parade rained on by a volley of arrows.

"It's like a circus, only there's more mayhem!" commented Sam. When all the dust had settled down, Faramir and his band of merry men were standing behind the hobbits.

"Oy!" said Faramir, nudging Frodo with his toe.

"Aiye!" yelped Frodo before getting snagged, bound, and gagged.

"Unhand him, or I'll have you, Longshanks!" yelled Sam.

"Nobody expects a Spanish Inquisition!" said a merry man before snagging, binding, and gagging Sam.

"Take them to... the COMFY CHAIR!" said Faramir, and he marched off to their cave, followed by his whooping and cheering band of merry men.

Aragorn, Gimli, and Blondie met up with Gandalf, who told them a rather strange yarn about going to Wizard Heaven but getting kicked out because he wasn't ripe yet. Though the other three thought Gandalf had been nipping at the cooking sherry a bit too much, they still went with him, because he had a designated driver: Shadowfax. Off the four rode to the Golden Hall, and met King Théoden, who looked vaguely like a vegetable at the time.

"Yo, Theody, my man!" said Gandalf.

"You ain't welcome here, mister magician!" said Grima the Green.

"Bring your pretty face to my axe!" said Gimli, who tackled Grima and held him secure.

"I command you, Saruman, to git yo' hiney outta my homey!" said Gandalf.

"No way, dude!" said Théoden.

"Git!" yelled Gandalf. Théoden gave a fart, and was relieved. Eowyn, the Wide-Eyed, ran to catch Théoden from toppling over from his tremendous fart. Not to be 'crude,' but Saruman always had liked Mexican food.

"Pull yourself together and get your peeps to Helm's Deep! Lot's o' men are coming to git you!" warned Gandalf.

"Okay," said King Théoden, so everyone packed up and went on their way to Helm's Deep. Legolas (who was still forced to walk) ran ahead of them all, and saw a bunch of dog-like creatures running towards him.

"Aww, puppies! Come here, come here, goochie-goochie-goo!" said Legolas, until the first Warg came and toppled him over. As all the Riders of Rohan galloped forward to kill the Wargs and their riders, Legolas thought he could outsmart Arod. As Arod galloped forward, Legolas reached out for the breastplate of Arod and grabbed it, readying himself to be flung into the saddle. Instead, the breastplate broke, and Legolas fell under Arod, causing Arod to shy away and give Legolas a well-placed boot to the head. Gimli cackled gleefully until he fell off himself, and from there he went right into hacking Wargs. When it was all over, Sharku the Warg Rider giggled through his dying moments.

"What you giggling at?" asked Gimli.

"You're little friend took a tumble off the cliff!" said Sharku, giggling insanely again. Gimli began to giggle too, for orc-laughter is quite contagious.

"Yer crazy," he laughed, giving Sharku a slap on the back, which caused Sharku to inhale himself and promptly die.

"Whoops," said Gimli, then he went to the cliff and looked over. "Good. Now Hasufel is mine!" he giggled, and went back to collect the two horses.

"But where Aragorn?" asked Eowyn when she saw King Théoden and Gimli ride in. King Théoden jerked his thumb at Gimli and rode off.

"He took a little tumble off the cliff!" Gimli giggled, and rode away to find the stables. Unfortunately, at that very moment, Aragorn was washed-up on a river bank, and Brego, the extremely handsome and MOST loyal horse, had gone over to Aragorn, slobbered on him, and gotten Aragorn onto his back. A day later, Aragorn arrived at Helm's Deep.

"Oh! Aragorn! Back so soon?" Gimli asked.

Legolas walked up, holding a bag of frozen peas to the hoof-shaped bruise on his head. "You look awful," he said.

"Look who's talking," stated Aragorn, and he walked off to find Théoden and warn him about the thousands of orcs coming to get the inhabitants of Rohan.

"Pippin!" said Merry, who had just woken up in the 'house' of Treebeard and discovered Pippin sitting by a stream. "You just said something tree-ish!"

"No, I didn't!" said Pippin. "It was just indigestion."

"It was definitely tree-ish!" argued Merry.

Pippin farted. "See?" Not to be 'crude,' but Ent-water was indeed prone to make one a bit gassy.

"Come along, hobbits," said Treebeard, walking in and snatching the two. "We are going to attend the gathering of large deciduous and coniferous tree-herders, so called an Ent-moot."

"I have no idea what you said, but I'm game anyway," said Pippin.

"Poke them with... the FLUFFY PILLOWS!" ordered Faramir. His merry men cackled and began poking Frodo and Sam with fluffy pillows.

"It's not working, sir!" said a merry man.

"Are you sure? Have you got all the stuffing in one end?" Faramir asked.

"Yes, sir!" replied the merry man.

"Hm, these hobbits are made of tougher stuff than we thought!" Faramir brooded in thought for a while. "Very well. Take them to... the SKULKING FRIEND!"

"There was nobody else with us!" objected Frodo.

"Oh, is that so?" taunted Faramir. "Then who is THIS!" And Faramir showed Frodo the Forbidden Pool, which, at the moment, held one extremely happy Sméagol.

"So juicy sweeeeeet!"

"Shall I kill 'im, since you don't know 'im?" asked Faramir.

"Not my poor Sméagol! Lemme go down and talk with him," begged Frodo.

"Liar," said Faramir, but he let Frodo go. The moment Frodo got Sméagol's trust, Faramir's merry men bagged Sméagol and hauled him away. Back at the cave, they punted Sméagol about for a while before interrogating him.

"Cruel men!" simpered Sméagol.

"I told you he was a Baggins!" taunted Gollum.

"But it was mens that hurts us, not Bagginses!" said Sméagol through his tears.

"I bets the men like Mexican food," persuaded Gollum.

"I bets you're right! It smells like burritos in here!" said Sméagol, slowly being overtaken by Gollum.

"Yes! And they have it!" Gollum sneered.

"What? What do you we have?" Faramir asked, having overheard everything the schizophrenic had said.

"My... precious!"

"So that's what the bugger is hiding!" Faramir said, and immediately trooped down to see Frodo.

"Awright, gimme the ring right now, you little bugger," he demanded.

"No! Agck!" said Frodo, fleeing.

"Oh, knock it off! Can't you see we've got enough on our hands?" Sam cried.

"No, you have a very small thing in your hands, and I want it. You'll go to Osgiliath, with me," Faramir decided. And off they went.

"Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..." Pippin drowsily sang. It had been quite a while since the Entmoot began, and he was running out of ideas with which to entertain himself.

"Com'on, com'on, com'on, com'on, com'on!" yelled Merry. "What's the hold up, eh?"

"We Ents never say anything unless it's worth taking a very long time to say. We were just talking about the Wall Street Journal, and how the stocks in fertilizer have gone up 2.14 percent," Treebeard said.

"And what about the war?" Merry pried.

"War? Oh, right, the war. We are not going into any prolonged battle type of scene, and we will remain in our sylvan abodes to weather out the storm," Treebeard said.

"Storm, my hiney!" said Merry. "We's gots to get out into there and fight!"

"That's your problem, not mine. I'll be taking you to our borders, and then you can go to your own original dwellings."

"Wait," interjected Pippin. "Take us south."

"Are you mentally disturbed, my diminutive acquaintance? That would take us by Isengard!"

"Aye, that's my point," said Pippin. This rather short, quick, and blatant response confused the Ent for a moment, and in the end Treebeard went along with it, in thoughts that maybe trying something new would be good for him. Unfortunately, it only led him to see all the trees that Saruman had chopped down.

"Agck!" said Treebeard. "These were my foremost and dearest acquaintances! Foliage I had known from seed and nut! Agck! We are going to war! Come on, ladies!" And with that, the Ents tromped down to trash Isengard.

Aragorn, Gimli, and El Barfo got into armor. It was indeed tense, because all their soldiers were either kiddies or grandpas. Not the best battalion Middle-Earth had ever seen, but the appearance of Haldir the Short-Lived and his elves helped somewhat.

They could hear the uruks in the distance, shouting, "Left! Left! Left, right left! I hear that in the army, the food is mighty fine! First we had ten hobbits, now we have just nine! Left! Left! Left, right, left!"

"Oo," said Aragorn. "These guys are good."

At Osgiliath, Faramir showed up in time to see Osgiliath get trashed by Wraiths on Fell Beasts. He stuffed the two hobbits and Gollum in a corner and ran off to fight the uruks and wraiths. Frodo, in a moment of mental insanity, walked onto a parapet and held the ring out to the Wraith and Fell Beast.

The Fell Beast lowered himself until he was eye-to-eye with the hobbit, and a ghastly voice came from the back of the Beast: "Will you be my pal?"

"No!" said Frodo, and he quickly tried to cram the ring on his finger. Startled, and a little bit hurt, the Fell Beast reared up and took a snatch at Frodo. But, unfortunately, Sam came along and toppled Frodo over. Frodo promptly attempted to slaughter Sam, but was dissuaded by Sam's quick talking.

"It's me! Your Sam! You know... the comfy chair? The fluffy pillows? Nobody expects a Spanish Inquisition?"

"Oh," said Frodo, dropping his sword. "I feel woozy."

"Yeah, me too. We shouldn't have eaten those toads back in the Dead Marshes," said Sam.

"I can't go on... I feel that I must throw up," said Frodo.

"So do all who live to eat such bad things, but in the end, lembas gets the clogs out," Sam sighed.

"puke"

The uruks were swarming all over Helm's Deep.

Aragorn, who was back in the main heart of Helm's Deep with King Théoden, gave the report. "My mistress is pooped, the Reds have Oklahoma, and I'm going home."

Gimli looked out the window, and stated the obvious, "Look, dawn's a-comin'."

"Yahoo!" said Aragorn. "Ol' Gandy should be coming to save our hineys!"

"Yahoo!" said Théoden. "To death, to glory, and a red dawn!"

"Say what?" asked Aragorn.

"I dunno... I just thought it sounded dramatic," Théoden admitted sheepishly. Aragorn gave Théoden a cuff on the back of the head, grinned, and they rode out, scattering uruks and orcs like a fart in an open field. Sho' 'nuff, Ol' Gandy came plunging down a steep hill, followed by all the Rohirrim he could muster. And hence, the valiant horses saved Rohan's hineys.

After the Ents had had a rousing time destroying Isengard and enjoyed a pool party, they set about to making sure that screwy wizard and that little green fella didn't escape the tower. In the meanwhile, Merry and Pippin had found Saruman's food and tobacco stash, and were quickly getting stoned. All was well that ended well, or so they yodeled.

Faramir dropped the hobbits and Gollum off in a sewer pipe.

"I see now what you guys are up against. You're free to go."

"You are most valiant, and the captain has shown his worth," Frodo said.

"To heck with that," said Faramir. "Toodles, it was nice knowing ya!" As the hobbits walked off, Faramir grabbed Gollum and put him in a headlock.

"If you so much as fart in their general direction, I'll neuter you on spot."

"Ok," gasped Gollum. And so, off they went for Mordor.

Coming soon: Return of the Thing!


End file.
